[A Daft Scots Lass]

Friday, 8 October 2010

Flash Fiction Friday 55 and Fawk You Friday

I'm back!!!

Gosh, FFF55ers I couldn't stay away..

I got far too many withdrawal symptoms from not writing my weekly 55s.

Don't judge me - please just forgive me and have me back, G-Man.

I neglected my Friday 55

Not my finest decision

The void it left was unexpected

More than my lack of prose precision

So here I am, I return

Pleading to be taken back

Into the crowd of 55 writers

Who fulfilled my writer’s heart.

Exonerate, punish, reprimand and chide

FFF55 is where my spirits reside.

It gives you a chance to vent your frustrations for the week:

Fuck you to the bad-ass gastro virus that attacked my Boerewors and had him flat on his back in bed all day yesterday. Poor bugger suffered and the place stank like shite.
Fuck you to the pityful spittles of rain we had this week. You're just teasing us! Didn't you hear my numerous loud requests for a true African thunderstorm downpour? Light rain is enough to just piss me the fuck off. You know, just enough to make my fucking car dirty, not enough to really saturate the garden and settle all the dust that is making our sinuses dribble all over the damn place.
Fuck you to the South African community that don't celebrate Halloween in any way shape or form. Because of the customs of this country, I am unable to dess up in my hawt witches party costume and go trick-or-treating. Most of you Fuckers know how much I adore chocolate and candy. C'mon, give a girl a break!
Fuck you to the corn snake that found its way into our garden and scared the living shite outta me. I nearly had fucking heart failure, demmit. I hope that slithery Fucker didn't lay its eggs somewhere in a dark corner because if I have to deal with your babies, I will have a fucking stroke for sure!

FlogYoBlog Friday at Random Ramblings of a SAHM and meet some awesome bloggers.

Tuesday, 5 October 2010

Mouthy Mamas Hop Too

Head on over to Aims at The mom who stayed sober for

Mouthy Mamas Hop Too today and find some more mouth mamas to read and follow.

Go sign up!

Aims, I fuckin heart your face off, gurl - your blog is awesome and thanx for the shout out!

Here are some of the circus leaders:

Kelly

Mommy's Kicking Cancers Ass

Kristin

Domestically Disabled

and me aka The Daft Scots Lass, of course

The Rules

1. Follow all 4 Mouthy Mama hostesses. They fucking Rock!
2. Link up to our hop and tell your non-family friendly blogger friends!
3. This link up is for blogs rated Pg13 and up ONLY!!!
4. We're Biatches... and we're gonna be checking out your mouth sites!! Don't make us fucking delete your rainbow world and cupcake land rated G only shithole sites, YOU have a million of family friendly blog hops to choose from!
5. Read the blogs you follow... none of this.. "follow me, I follow you" crap ... I've got no time for that fucking bullshit.

Over and Out Fuckers!

Monday, 4 October 2010

Snakes Alive!

The weekend was pretty eventful and filled with drama!

Firstly, we went to the Sexpo which was loads of fun.

I got to ride a giant golden cock and you can see the Sexpo mascots - Penisorous and Titasorous in the background. Hysterical! I got to see Riley Steel (the porn star) in a gold bikini (gosh what a body!) and we found some really great stuff to giggle at, including the Stud Butler. This had me giggle for ages!

Riding the Giant Golden Cock

Not only did we get to make some cool purchases, Suzie Q was there and she put on a fantastic show. Juanita (South Africa's Pole Dancing Champion) showed off her sexy athletic moves on the pole.

Many men (plus few excited ladies) worked to climb Mount Peni - the the world’s largest erect inflatable penis to win prizes. Loads of fun to watch!

Mount Peni

That afternoon we found hundreds of bees trying to build a nest outside our bathroom window. It looked like they had already built a nest but when we sprayed them with poison they all flew away and there was no trace that they'd ever been there. Obviously they were just looking for a good place for their Queen and were protecting her in the mean time.

Bee's Nest outside my bathroom window

On top of the bees, we stumbled across a fucking red spotted house snake or a corn snake (not sure which one yet) in our garden that made me freak the fuck out! Yes, he/she was fucking huge!

We had a power failure at the time, so everything was dark but my Boerewors saw our cat, Pickles, stalking something and went to check out what it was. This is what it was!!!

The Fucker

We had to use a torch to see where that Fucker was and my Boerewors went to fetch a spade from the Shed to slog him with. I wouldn't take my eyes off this thing as he was right outside my girls' bedroom windows and I certainly didn't want him to slither inside the house or slither away where we couldn't see him!

I got Pickles (our cat) away from the snake, put her inside and R got to work chopping the snake up with his spade. The Fucker took forever to die and lunged towards the spade a good few times. He wasn't going down without a fight and wriggled until the bitter end.

Now I'm worried that it was a Mummy snake and she's fucking laid her eggs somewhere in our garden and soon (normally about 10 weeks) they hatch their wee snake babies. Urgh! Can you imagine...

The Snake got they Old Chop

Adults are Obsolete Children

Don't be in a hurry to be all "adult" and "how society wants us to be". Stay silly and stay young at heart!

Who wants to be like all those other sheep-following fuckers that put on brave faces and do everything that society wants them to do? Don't swear too much, don't dye your hair all colours of the rainbow, don't match your shoes and handbag, don't laugh too loud or raise your voice. Does that stuff really matter? Do you really care what people say?

Staying young-at-heart requires the following:

Positive Attitude

The best part of having a positive attitude is finding delight and humour in everyday life. Unfortunate incidents only become interesting challenges if looked at the right way. To keep a positive attitude, exercise your humour - laughing keeps the body young and the mind even younger. When was the last time you exploded in laughter? I'm not talking a wee snigger, I'm talking thigh-slapping belly laughs that have you in tears and leave your cheeks feeling sore. Mine was recently when my 7 year old tom-boy girl-child came out with something super original and it had me laughing so hard I got a headache.

Be silly, act like a kid, jump on your bed naked, dance like no one is watching. There's no shame in getting in touch with your inner toddler.

Learn to Laugh

Not only is it great to stay silly but you need to learn to laugh at yourself - Some of the most fun I've ever had was when I've done something so daft that I can only laugh at myself. Being able to take responsibility for my own idiotic acts and enjoy the hell out of them helps me stay young and gives others something to laugh at the same time - it's a win-win situation (well, it's not always 'win' on my side but its still fucking funny).

Don't follow the sheep

Young at heart has nothing to do with how you dress but, while we're at it, there's no need at all for a 40 year old body to be clothed in a bikini made for a 20 year old. I don't care how hot you think you look, no one wants to see mutton dressed as lamb. It's just fucking trashy. And, what's up with squeezing your chubby form into those hipster jeans with your muffin top hanging over the side. Its not attractive however trendy you think you look. Dress appropriately.

However, don't conform. If you want to wear stripey knee socks and dye your Love Rug green - why not? I may be nearly 40 but I'm not fucking dead! I'm not harming anyone by being original. You can still display your originality on the outside without imitating Bozo the Clown.

Less Drama

Drama should be banned! Drama must be banned! Share your love of life with others - surround yourself with people who understand you and like the things you do. Don't keep friendships that are negative and drop those who thrive on drama - drama is just a waste of time. Even friendships that you've had for years change. Hopefully, you and your friends change in the same direction, but we all know that's not necessarily true. Find people who share your passion and enjoy the time you spend with them. If they're dragging you down, Next! and move on.

Find Passion

Finding your passion will also keep you young at heart. Sometimes it takes time to figure out what your passion is. Sometimes it takes a lifetime but some are lucky and find out early and follow it and develop it. When you eventually find out what your passion is - treasure and nuture it. Now, I don't mean spending tons of cash, hours on e-bay collecting and surrounding yourself in Star Wars memorabilia. I mean find what makes you happy, what makes you talk until the cows come home. Its easier than you think.

Try New Things

Don't turn yer nose up at a new dish someone suggests at a restaurant you normally wouldn't go to. Go to the new restaurant, try the dish - its all about experiencing new things. If you hate it, really, what do you have to lose? Order something else, at least you know now what you don't like. There's no sense getting the same old thing on the menu everything you eat out. You may be missing out on something out-of-this-world!

Be true to who you are. Don't be shy to share your opinions, however daft you think they may be.

Friday, 1 October 2010

Fuck You Friday

This week's Fucker Features:

This week has been pretty fucking awesome actually so its been difficult for me to find some Fuck Yous (I'm sure I'll be able to squeeze in a couple).

Anyhoo, the reason why its been so brilliant is that I left my mobile phone at a local pharmacy and by the time I realised it was gone, I just knew someone had swiped it. It doesn't happen often that if you leave your phone somewhere, that you get it back (well not in South Africa anyway).

However, the following day I got wind that the guy from the pharmacy had been phoning people on my contact list trying to get hold of me. He had kept my phone and wanted to return it to me. Yip, my brand spanking new phone was safe! I went to collect it and I couldn't have show the dude more gratitude...

Fuck you to the wee baw-bag bacteria that invaded my larynx causing me to sound like a complete eejit for most of the fuckin week. Yeah, I lost my voice so I couldn't even yell at my kids! It was frustrating and exhausting. Each word I uttered took so much energy and I still sounded like a loony tweenie shitter who voice is in the process of breaking.
Fuck you to the nimbus clouds that floated in and mocked us. We're all dyin' for the rain. The wind blew a gale and we heard a rumble or two but absa lootly FUCK ALL. We need the rain demmit, its been a long dry winter. Just fucking rain already!