[A Daft Scots Lass]

Wednesday, 4 July 2012

And you EAT with that mouth?

We humans eat very strange things.

I love my polony with cold baked beans rolled inside. Yeah, we all have strange combinations that we love to munch down on.

And no, I am not even going to mention things like Mopani worms or fried crickets….thats just fucking gross!

We all have a list of stuff we will NOT put into your mouth. For me, its internal organs. I just can't bear the smell of liver or kidneys. I can't stomach the reek of cooking pork. I think this stems from when my big sister had to boil an entire pig's head to get the jaw bone for a school project. The reek lingered in our wee hoos for weeks.

I shiver when people discuss eating a good tongue or tripe. I mean, what can be good about puting an animal's tongue in yer mouth? (and I'm not talking about french kissing it either) except that it licks its own arse and probably other bovine's arses too!

How about Haggis? I know, I'm meant to love everything Scottish but who the fuck wants to eat a shredded sheeps liver, lungs and and heart encased its own stomach lining? Fuck me!!

And those strange things from the sea that make me shudder. Prawns and crayfish - I like a good crafish thermodore (don't get me wrong) but when I watch people devour their feelers and eyes and suck out the heads, I just want to chuck up.

Feeling a bit faint, yet? Let me just have a sip of my tea to calm the stomach jitters.

I think those fucking things are hideous! Prawns have ugliest, bulging eyeballs … imagine how scared your innards must be watching that lot slide down your gullet! I don't want to eat anything that looks back at me, thank you very much. Never mind the fact that they die in the most awful way. How would you like to be surprised by being submerged in boiling water until pink and bubbling away? Lovely thought.

Put you off have I?

Good.

Sushi is the new craze. What if that poor fish is still breathing? And why did we invent stoves and grills? Yes, Plonkers, to cook the stuff before we bloody eat it!

I love my veggies. In fact, I start craving them if I do not eat them regularly. However, that newish obscene-looking mushroom which is all the rage (or so I am told) and costs an arm and a leg - looks like a mangled pussy. Yes, people The Love Hole Mushroom is on the market. No Way Jose am I eating that even if they rename it Magic Pussy Mushroom.

Balute

Eggs. I dread cracking a raw egg with the freaky possibility of seeing a bloody, half-developed chick or an eyeball looking up at me! A few years ago, I was hysterical with laughter when I saw this ad outside a shop: Eggs, fresh from the chicken’s arse.

Cannot get more to the point than that , it still makes me laugh tho!

Most of us adore a juicy fruit. But no lychees for me thank you. I have wiped too many snotty wee noses that look far too similar in my lifetime.

Oh my gosh, I forgot to mention tinned pilchards! The world is full of economical pilchard recipes and they're budgie priced - Cheap! Cheap! Until someone pointed out to me that if you look carefully, some of them have little sacks of eggs on the side … I nearly fucking puked!

We are all taught to eat brown bread. They say its VERY good for us, you know. More digestible and all-'n-all. But nobody mentions that it tastes like a fucking Arabs sandshoe. Unless you have wholewheat. Thats far better but those pesky wee seeds will either get lodged between your teeth for all eternity or you need a trip to the dentist to fix your R2000 crown you've just split in two.

We all love potato salad, right? Well, its always the first thing to be depleted at our braais (aka barbeques). But please don’t ever buy it from Woolies (sorry Woolworths, I speaketh the truth). The potatoes are usually undercooked and definitely cannot compare with a good old homemade potato salad with loads of full-cream mayo. Woolies tattie salad tastes like polystyrene cubes tossed in wood glue - totally bland and gross.

And shop bought cakes! Like you see in the corner tea rooms? Don’t they just give you the fucking heebie jeebies? All that decorative crap on top: can it possibly be yellowed 'fresh' cream, icing or the new dairy-free topping? I doubt it. And that baking soda taste in tea room scones just about blows the roof of your head off.

Watching people in restaurants eating rare steak also freaks me out. Once again, is it really dead or could a good vet do CPR and revive that poor old moo? Yuk! We did invent fire, muthafuckers and its not necessary to eat anything tartar. That's so for the proletariat.

And so the list continues ... on the bright side, at the rate I am finding fault, I won’t be eating anything any time soon and I will get SO thin that the fattest part of me will be my hair!

How blissful does that sound?

Tuesday, 3 July 2012

Juicy Snippets

So Adele is pregnant and TomKat are calling it quits

Alec Baldwin gets married and Becks gets the boot from the Olympics.

The Bieber graduates High School and Jack Parrow becomes a dad

Sony plans to buy out EMI

Caption My Photo Competition #58

Hiya lovely Plonkers, I had an interesting conversation with a colleague today about booty calls and talking dirty.

Being single and not having time for a steady boyfriend, my colleague mentioned that she hasn't had any bed action in a while. I told her that surely she has someone in her past that she can booty call. Someone that could dust away the cobwebs with no strings attached. She said she wouldn't know how to ask for something like that, as she's been out of the dating game for a while.

She asked me for some advice.

I wondered why she'd want to take advice from a 40 year old who has been out of the dating game for 14 years! She said she's never been able to booty call anyone, let alone talk dirty. She said she always felt too self-conscious.

What advice would you give to her? How does an attractive, middle-aged woman who needs a good shag, phone an ex-fling up and request a booty call without giving the bloke any expectations of anything other than just a one-night thing?

It's Toozday, my lovelies, so that means you get to caption a daft image of mine and win one of my Daft Scots Lass tattoos.

I found this marvel recently and thought it would elicit some creative juices and waggish witicisms from you brilliant bunch.

Go, do it. Caption it.

Monday, 2 July 2012

Why is Monday so far from Friday and Friday so near to Monday?

Oh Fuckity Fuck! Its Monday again. Why the hell did it roll around so fast, Plonkers? Its just not fucking fair. I'm so bummed!

This week's Monday Music Moves Me theme is Patriotic Songs. That means I have to include some Scottish stuff and some South African stuff.

Enjoy some of the African culture as well as the Scots stuff.

A famous Xhosa Song

One of the most famous choirs in South Africa, The Drakensburg Boys Choir. This is just a few of them!

An awesome and sucessful South African band

Another very kewl SA Band that are not so successful - YET

A South African song with some gorgeous South African girls.

And to close....drums and pipes

Sunday, 1 July 2012

Skin 'n Blister

On Saturday we went to Janie and Mick's house for a wee family braai.

It was Claire Jane's 3rd birthday during the week and I got to at least sing her happy birthday and give her a wee prezzie from her Aunty Gillian.

We celebrated and a great day together.

Kaylin and CJ got to play "house" all day, Dylan DJed for us for the day, Megan karaoked, Ryan got to play his favourite alien computer game, Janie and I got to have a good natter and Riaan and Mick got to braai and drink beer.