How to tell if you're a Technophobe?

technophobe n. ( pron. ˈtek-nə-ˌfōb)

1. (Sociology) someone who fears the effects of technological development on society and the environment

2. someone who is afraid of using technological devices, such as computers

Do you suffer from Facebook Fear, Email Edginess, Internet Idiocy, Blackberry Bafflement, Twitter Twitchiness or just plain Computer Confusion?

Never fear, you are not alone and help is at hand.

There are plenty of technophobes in the world. Technophobia is an affliction, like acne, flatulence, yeast  infections and constipation, which most people don’t confess to in polite company. Whereas arachnophobia, hangover, sunburn, migraines and the flu are perfectly acceptable topics of conversation around the dinner table.

I suppose being technologically dysfunctional has more dire consequences than being afraid of spiders. Nevertheless, your response should be the same whether faced with an uncooperative computer or mobile phone or a big fucking hairy spider on the toilet seat.

Help is at hand for technophobes out there

You may use one of three lifelines: 50/50, ask the audience, or phone a friend:

“50/50” is quite simple

Believe the geek that tells you that you won’t break your computer or phone by pushing a button or hitting a key. Try something (like pounding your fists on the keyboard) and if it doesn’t work try something else (like side-swiping the side of your computer monitor). You have a 50/50 chance of getting the result you were hoping for (in the case of the spider either get yer boot out and tramp on him it or use the other bathroom).

“Ask the audience” is typical technophobe

A whining question like: “Does anyone know how I get my phone to spell check for me? Whatever it’s called I don’t know where to find it” is likely to get as many different answers as there are people in earshot.

The chances are that everyone knows how to do it on their phone but none of them can make it work on yours. You may get lucky though if someone has the same phone as you, or you may find a geek in the audience who can make it work on any phone (in the case of the spider the chances are everyone in the building suddenly has important business elsewhere).

“Phone a friend” refers to said geek who will be able to solve your problem for you

One thing with geeks and nerds is that they love the power that goes with their superior technological skills so there is no danger of an uninvited lesson in technology.

They will simply make the errant computer or cell phone do what you want it to do in two seconds flat without any explanation. Making you look like a complete Plonker!

Of course you will be obliged to phone a friend again next time, but your geeky, nerdy friend will be happy to oblige, like a mythical knight in shining armour (in the case of the spider you’d be looking for a real knight in shining armour).

Admit your technical shortcomings

The fact of the matter is that there are those who can and those who can’t. If you are one of those who can’t you need to face it, admit your shortcomings and ask for help...

“Hi, my name is Bob and I am a technophobe and I need help.” Altogether now "Hiiiii Bob!".

Those nerdy, geeky knights will leap to the rescue and you can remain in your blissful state of ignorance, safe in the knowledge that you are not alone and help is at hand.