Wednesday, 10 November 2010

Santa Claus... You're an Old Fucking Fat Bastard

The REAL Santa
For many, many years I have been meaning to confront that old fat Wanker in his dreadful red suit and give him a piece of my mind!

But then you get caught up in all the baubles, christmas carols, tinsel and all things jolly and it does not seem appropriate to pick fights.  Then come January, you thankfully move on with your life. But enough is enough and I AM going to give him a piece of my mind:  I cannot delay..

Father Christmas, you suck!

You eat endless cookies and drink all our milk (in our case its beers and chocolate) under our trees, no wonder you have to wear that baggy unflattering suit.  And red is SO not your colour. The way you exploit those darling reindeer is also inexcusable.

By the way, you really need to go on a communications course.   All you can ever say is: Ho Ho Ho! AND you promise trusting little children the earth and more. How dare you! Are you ever expected to try and force an abused, exhausted credit card through a tired machine? Thought not.

The gifts you have been bringing make me chomp at the bit.  STOP supplying me with ceramic cookie jars that only hold two biscuits at a time.  And may I enquire where on earth you drag up those foosty cheap chocolates that taste like fucking wax? I would not even feed them to my cat, Pickles.  You'll get them right back atchya this year, Santa!  Take THAT! 

Your taste gets worse and worse every year Father Christmas; maybe you need to employ a personal shopper or better still get some elves that have been to NY fashion week and know the latest trends.

I do NOT want another bottle of el cheapo perfume that smells like cat piss.  Now repeat after me and take notes … DIOR! GIVENCHY! CHANEL!  Surely that’s not so hard to remember?

And listen you old fucking fraud, next time you dump yet another plastic kitchen gadget or cheap glass dish under my tree, I will track you down and kick yer fat dimpled arse. Understood?

The same with wine that is so putrid; one sip and your mouth will be wrinkled forever and my lips will forever look like a fucking dog's bottom.  Shame on you!  Surely your budget should be looking much healthier by now Santa Fraud?  We all know you work for the government and therefore get huge perks and fancy car allowances.  So why not at least upgrade your mode of transport?  Surely your bodyguards can drive you around in the new Merc AMG - or your wife could help you out for ONE night?

The same with your tired red suit,  it is sooo last century. Can you not at least visit us in a nice new Armani suit? You would look tons better.

Us girls would very happily introduce you to good quality jewellery stores!  In our own time too. We do not want yet another ethnic straw or beaded necklace that makes us look like part of the cast of Mama Themba. And no nighties in size 0 please.  Normal women are NOT built like anorexic stick insects.  Especially if you got them at the local grocery store. 

That’s about all I have to say to you at this time you old fucking miser. But carry on with your crappy gift trend … and all you will find under the tree will be a dog-shit sandwich and green tea.

What do you expect from a guy who only "comes" once a year?  Poor Bastid!

5 comments:

Blasé said...

That fat tub of "jolly" is so damn self-centered, ain't he?

Miss Vicki said...

Love this post!!! And Kevin Bloody wilson is hilarius! Loved his work for years!!

DCHY said...

You said it, Blase! LOL

A Daft Scots Lass said...

Yeah...old fart.

Sandra said...

Oh good points! Especially appreciate the one about getting fricken appliances under the tree. What's up with that? Am I supposed to be happy that I got a handmixer?
You hold him down, I'll beat him.

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