Thursday, 3 October 2013

Death By Champagne Cork




Oh, it happens.

I shit you not.

Fears.   

Phobias.  

Completely random acts and things scare people.  We swirl all these worries and doubts around our pea-brains, and they manifest into irrational terrors and bizarre anxieties for arbitrary objects or situations.  I find it profusely amusing. 

Why?  I hear you say?

Because… I am a sicko?  Because ... I have a wicked sense of humour?  Because.... I have a incredibly vivid imagination?

No.

FACT :  You’re more likely to get killed by a vending machine that be attacked by a shark?

Odds:  1 in 112 million.  Snack responsibly, Plonkers

FACT :  Ovulating women think bad boys make good dads.
 
These are facts, but I still can’t go to sleep if I know there is a spider in the room.  I’m not exactly sure what I think will happen to me.  I fear that the little Fucker will crawl inside my ear and lay spidettes while I'm sleeping, or spin a web over my face, or even stroll past my Turkey Purse, smile and wave - or worse, pop in for a cuppa and a slice of cake.

Just the thought makes me shiver and freak the fuck out.

However…

FACT :  You’re more likely to die in an asteroid apocalypse than accidentally die of erotic asphyxiation.

Odds: 1 in 12,500

FACT : Falling Coconuts kill 150 every year!

And yet my silly fear of vermin freezes me instantly.  I know in my head it’s ridiculous.  I mean, seriously, I’m probably 100 times bigger than a wee mouse, but yet the thought of that long, rope rat tail and tiny feet scratching through my house nibbling on everything, drives me to drink and possibly hard drugs. 

FACT : You're eight times more likely to be killed by a police officer than by a terrorist attack.

FACT : You’re more likely to die while texting than fireworks exploding in your face.

And yet we fear teeny tiny fleas and lice, suffer from coulrophobia.  We dread and obsess of getting old and being alone and yet we still insist on thinking we’re fine to drink and drive.

Go figure.

5 comments:

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I believe the texting one. They've already proven it's more dangerous than driving drunk. Scary, huh?

Andrew Leon said...

Turkey purse? Should I know what that is? I'm not sure if it's a real thing or if you're using a euphemism.

And why are you reaching into drains anyway?

YeamieWaffles said...

I've learned so much from this Lass, some of these facts are harrowing though, especially the asteroid one, it's kind of scary that it could likely happen one day, I feel like I've probably gained a couple of phobias from just reading this, gonna have to be careful around vending machines from now on!

The Glebe Blog said...

Talking about fears reminds me of us sitting as a family watching TV back in 1989/90 and this film
Kitchen Sink coming on. Hardly anyone slept that night.

Jo said...

I'm afraid of ceiling fans. A friend's fell off their ceiling onto the bed, luckily they were not in the room at the time.

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