Tuesday, 1 June 2010

And that's when the fight started...

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery  plot as a Christmas gift...

 The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

 When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

 And that's when the fight started . . .


 I asked my wife, 'Where do you want to go for our anniversary?'

 It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation.

 'Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!' she said.

 So I suggested, 'How about the kitchen?'

 And that's when the fight started . . .




 My wife and I are watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we  were in bed.

 I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'

 'No,' she answered.

 I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

 She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'

 So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

 And that's when the fight started . . .



 I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.  Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95.

 I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the cold cream.


 And that's when the fight started . . .


 I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first..

 'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'

 He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'

 'Nah, she can order for herself.'

 And that's when the fight started . . .



 My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping the channels.

 She asked, 'What's on TV?'

 I said, 'Dust.'

 And that's when the fight started . . .



My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.

 She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'

 I bought her a scale.

 And that's when the fight started . . .


My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.

 I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

 'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...

I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years  ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since..'

 'My God!' I said, 'who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

 And that's when the fight started . . .



 I rear-ended a car this morning.

 So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car.

 You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny?

 Yeah, well I couldn't believe it... he was a DWARF!!!

 He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!'

 So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

 And that's when the fight started . . .



 THE BEST FOR LAST!

 When our lawn mower wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

 But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first,  the truck, the car, playing golf.

 Always something more important to me.

 Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point.

 When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors.

 I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house.

 I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.

 I said, 'When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway.'

 The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp...

10 comments:

Brian Miller said...

hahaha. these are amazing. thanks for identifying those lad mines so i can stay away from them...

Dutch donut girl said...

:) These are funny...

Akelamalu said...

I published something similar to this recently - they're so funny aren't they? LOL

Heff said...

That's true about the Miller Light. That shit works MIRACLES !

Eric said...

Good ones!
I'll have to work some of these into casual conversation. You know, if I accidently hit a short person's car. :)

g-man said...

You are a HOOT Gillie Bean!!

Ed Pilolla said...

modern male humor. hysterical. like a don rickles act.

blueviolet said...

Ouch with the mad cow one!

jyothisethu said...

Gillian,

enjoyed it...
good...
congrats...

Ram said...

hehehe....:)
really funny :)

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