Thursday, 12 May 2011

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

As a mother of two wee ones, I’m occasionally frustrated and yet amazed by them.  

Last night was no different - I could have easily strangled one of my offspring and sold the other one for beer money.

Take this as an example:

We have an argument with our partner, go to sleep upset or pissed off with each other and in the morning those feelings are still lingering, possibly a little diluted, but those feelings are still there. We mope and pout, grumble and fret. However, with children, we could carry on like a woman possessed (which I have been known to accomplish from time-to-time) and all seems to be forgiven and forgotten in the morning.

We can learn lessons from our children.

The next morning our children breeze into your bedroom with cheerful good morning wishes and beaming smiles and immediately you get a clean slate, a fresh start, a chance to redeem yourself and restore your level-headedness as a respectable and worthy parent.

Don’t get me wrong I never take this instant forgiveness for granted because after the dramatic performances of shouting, begging, screaming and nagging, The Guilt sets in. I write The Guilt with capital letters because most parents will know The Guilt obscenely ruthless. For parents it is a brutal aura that loiters around for ages and creeps in quietly and pokes at the wound catching you off guard.

Oh the remorse!

Seeing your children with fear in their eyes because you have snapped their heads off is harsh. Often, the shame and self-reproach is unbearable.

We feel guilty for reprimanding, we feel guilty for punishing, we feel guilty for teaching them a lesson, we feel guilty for scolding when all we want them to do is listen to us and trust that we’re doing it for their benefit in the long run. We’re not doing it to be mean or bitter or malicious. We are parenting.

However, children are Master Manipulators. They spot The Guilt immediately and they exploit it. Oh, they can smell The Guilt a mile away. Those big, wide puppy dog eyes and quivering lips are flawless examples of their guileful skill. Our children push the right buttons at the right time and operate us like the puzzles they built with expert proficiency. Don’t let them fool you! Don’t fall for their lures and charms. Their ability to twist and contort your practical and logical thoughts is remarkable.

We can learn lessons from our children.

We all have different parenting styles but most parents agree that no matter what method you use, our little ones will study your methods as quickly as you implement them. We have to keep one step ahead of them with new tactics and new strategies. Campaigns need to be rehashed as soon as they decipher our plan.
We need to think like the military. Be armed, stand ready and shoot from the hip. Always have the mission in mind and know when to advance and retreat. Do not question the orders and if need be, recruit reinforcements to substitute when you are ready to loose control. Get an edge on life. Less Flower Power and more fire power.
I envy kangaroos. The baby crawls out of the womb when it is about two inches long, gets into the pouch and starts to grow. I’d have another baby if it would mature in my handbag.

I love my girls but some days I’d trade one of them for a case of fine wine, oh fuck the fine wine, gimme cheap plonk wine and hard drugs!


Lemons Don't Make Lemonade said...

You know what they say. Just keep a few dogs, sign up for a Facebook account, buy a dildo, and you'll never need children.

But yes, they make your heart melt and parenting is hard.

Not that I would know. :D

Slamdunk said...

"I’d have another baby if it would mature in my handbag."

Now that is a great quote.

Our little ones are just fine-tuning their parental manipulation skills, and we are learning the hard way each day.

Oilfield Trash said...

I know how you feel. And you are not alone in that, trust me.

Boobies said...

LMAO! This post is spot on!!!

I wish I could just keep my kids in my handbag too!

This made my day!

Yes I Blog said...

My 3 year old is the king of the guilt tears. I swear he knows how to work me like nobodys business!!

This morning, he tripped and fell. Scraped his chin pretty badly, lots of blood, some tears and snuggles later he was all better.

Earlier in the morning, he had asked for a Twinkie, and I had refused because he had been disobedient about picking up his bedroom.

Lo and behold, after the fall, he comes up to me and tells me in that, so sweet only a child can do it way, that he really needs that Twinkie now because it's the only thing that will make his boo boo feel better.

Ugh! I admit, I gave in...shouldn't have...but dadgum he is too sweet sometimes!!!

S said...

haha- as a parent to one 16 year old girl and 6 year old boy, I'll take ANYTHING WITH ALCOHOL. Even cough syrup will do some days.

David L Macaulay said...

nice post - this is a great thing about kids. However, my daughter is starting to learn how to hold a grudge - in fact she holds grudges from three years ago.


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