This week's Featured Friday Follower is Dan aka Grins from Anger Management. Dan has a quick-wit, sharp-tongue and is dead funny. A guy after my own heart, even though he describes himself as "bald, old, one bug eye, no nose, one tooth and fat". Bullshite! Here is Dan's Guest Post:
Every morning they get up, look into their mirrors and ask themselves, "Other than a female6 dog, what is a Bitch?? For the reader's sensibilities I will refer to them as B's from now on, or at least until I go to work tomorrow.
In spite of the dictionary definition, female dogs have none of the true qualities to be a B. This is because dogs are stupid, and as long as you feed them they are happy. B used to be a title only a proud few could wear. The term is currently used indiscriminately to mean any female oriented person. With this article I am going to confront the irreverent use of the word B and attempt to restore the B word to its former glory and true meaning. Very few humans have the talent to demonstrate a full array of B behaviors.
Of course I have not been closely associated with any Bs since before I was married. I have seen roommate B's fight to the death over a carton of moldy yogurt, or a hairdryer. They are also very possessive of the roads they drive on. I have seen a B purposefully ram the back of a car one nanosecond after the light turns green. This is not just a female trait, but it is prevalent behavior in a practicing B. The poor B's roommate cannot not touch the B's clothes even if she puts them on the porch in a sack marked for the Salvation Army. A B usually has nothing to wear and three closets to put it in. Conversely the B will not only use roommate's new outfit without asking for permission, but her boyfriend as well.
A genuine B can't stand to see someone doing nothing. If the house is clean, the yard is perfect, the car is running tiptop and you contemplate going fishing with your free time, the B will sense this disturbance in the force. She will insist that you spend your free Saturday at the World Wide Organization Of B's doing volunteer work. A B's greatest fear is that somewhere someone is happy.
If your B catches you watching a sporting event or a real time crisis in the nature of the twin tower bombing instead of her, it will be weeks before the B will speak to you again. There is nothing scarier than a silent B. You just sit around dreading for the other high heel to drop. You know what's coming, just not when. Three AM on a work night is typical. You'll probably be sleeping on the couch a lot. Some men have their clothes made out of blankets. B's invented the need to suck up so they could control the universe. (This explains Hillary Clinton.) The only right thing to do after committing a blunder, like ignoring her for more time than it takes to go to the restroom, is to sit rigidly on the couch and try not to breathe too loudly till she is done pouting and wait for instructions.
Cleaning house is a relatively safe way to implement damage control.
B's will provoke at any occasion and will never ever admit they ever did anything wrong. Remember, any time she is mad it's always your fault. You've either done something or not done something. If you don't know, don't guess. Just hang your head.
A B will allow a lull in a relationship and permit everything to go smoothly for a while. The seemingly content B, with no warning or provocation will start talking about divorce at the dinner table. It soon escalates and the hubby's shortcomings will become common knowledge to the neighborhood via much screaming. A visit from the police temporarily gives him some respite in a nice quiet cell reserved for domestic violence perpetrators. Upon release he will discover his prize baseball cards were burned with his clothes. He won't miss his belongings much as there is very limited storage space under the bridge. Don't worry, it won't last more than a couple of months. This kind of behavior is just her funny little way of showing affection and putting spice back in the relationship.
I've got to run. My friend just called and said he needs a book on foot massage for his girlfriend as her designer high heels he bought for her, hurt her feet. He is scheduled to get out of ICU in two days. Be careful who you call a B, she might actually be one. Perhaps I will address S.O.B.'s next week.
Thanx for agreeing to guest post for me, Dan!
And of course Friday wouldn't quite be the same without a Shoegasm or two. So, if you love a beautiful pair of heels like I do, grab my Shoegasm button, leave a comment that you've linked up and I'll come and visit and drool over your shoes too.
|Jeffrey Campbell - Honey Pie Wedges from Modcloth|
|Green Glitter Platforms $60.00 by Bad Kitty|
|Muertos Print Platforms $72.00 at Bad Kitty|
Have a KICK ARSE weekend, Plonkers.