Wednesday, 16 May 2012

My leg bone is connected to my foot bone, my foot bone is connected to your face bone, your face bone's connected to the pavement stone. Now heed my words: Fuck off!"

I was thinking (as do from time-to-time) about some things that piss me off and really get my bloody boiling.  So, I decided to make this list to share with you Plonkers to see if we have any similarities:

  • When people say 'Life is Short'. What? Um, no it isn’t. It’s the longest damn thing you’ll ever do, FuckKnob 
  • When I am waiting in line for the bus and some idiot asks, “hey did the bus come yet?” “Yes, and I decided to stay here and let you know that you missed it, ButtHead.” 
  • Pretty girls who bemoan about how pretty they are, because oh gosh darn it, it’s such a hassle to beat off dozens of swooning guys. Seriously, shut the fuck up, Bitch. 
  • Un-sweetened chocolate. Why? Why the shite would they do that? Is it some cruel joke? It doesn’t matter, just stop making it that way. 
  • I can go weeks without having to log in to anything. The wonders of computer magic. It usually remembers my passwords for me.  Fancy that? Then out of the blue. It forgets. Oh Pish! I don’t frikken remember! 
  • Trying to suppress a sneeze when you have diarrhea.
  • It pisses me off that anytime I sit down to eat a meal, my two girl-children feel the need to call me.  Can they not talk to me when I'm IN the same room?  You have two parents.  Call yer Dad
  • Slow people. Those Plonkers who take their damn sweet time doing everything. Who moves at the pace of a crippled nun?
  • Those douchenozzles who brag about their skinny genes. They don’t just show off their waif-like waists, they have to constantly emphasize that they eat a lot but 'can’t gain weight'. They always say things like “Oh my god, I am so stuffed, I had a whole Godiva Chocolate Cheesecake for lunch!” while they pat their inverted bellies, and yet the only trace of fattening items I’ve seen them eat is a handful of nuts. Unsalted and dry-roasted, of course.

11 comments:

Ami said...

I love it when I'm doing something obvious, writing in our sign in book at work, getting out toys... and the kids say, "Whatcha doin'?"

I always answer, "Baking a cake."

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

With you on the slow people! At the grocery story AND in front of my car in traffic. I keep asking Santa for laser guns for my car but he never delivers...

middle child said...

I agree except for the 1st one. Live another 20 years and it will at least SEEM as though the years fly by. And for some people, life IS short like for my mom and my second husband - not asking for a boo-hoo here.
As for the guy at the bus stop? You should have just told him that the bus DID come but if he waits.,..you'll be happy to throw him under the next one!

Michael Offutt, Tebow Cult Initiate said...

I love your list! I especially like the "Life is too short" response. I'm gonna use that on my brother who constantly sends me sappy messages bemoaning his lost youth.

From the Mind of a Madman said...

These are always great... but suppressing a sneeze while having diarrhea.... well that just made me uncomfortably laugh out loud. (sneeze) Damn it!!!

RideToFight said...

This made me laugh out loud. Definitely agree with you on these points. My list would also include people who say 'thanking you' rather than just 'thank you' and people who don't have any manners at all. Oh and strangers who put kisses on work emails, what's all that about... Oh God, now I've started I can't stop!!!

Addman said...

Slow people should be shot! In the nicest possible way, of course.

YeamieWaffles said...

I think that I'm with you on almost all of these being extremely freakin' annoying, the "life is short," crowd and the pretty girls who bemoan about being pretty ones really annoy me to my core. I don't think I can agree with you on the last one although I don't really brag about it so maybe I can.

Wreckless Euroafrican said...

I have to love the "Trying to suppress a sneeze when you have diarrhea." Nearly fell out of the chair!!

Salagatle!

Jennifer Kay said...

Surpressing a sneeze when you have diareah OR surpressing EVERY SINGLE sneeze after you've had a baby and wondering why you don't just wear a pantyliner every day for the rest of your life...

Gossip_Grl said...

OMGosh loved the list and thanks for the laugh today. :)

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