Wednesday, 1 August 2012

You know you're getting older when you have sex with someone half your age and it's legal

I was driving behind a little old woman in the traffic a few days ago. She was driving a sensible little economical car, which was a conservative colour and had her hands carefully positioned at 10 and 2. She was facing forward concentrating only on the road and waiting for the lights to change.

As we trundled along the road together, I wondered why this old biddy fascinated me so much. As I watched her more intensely, I realised why I was so absorbed by her.

I was fucking irritated.

I was irritated that she was traveling at te speed limit – no more, no less. Just right. She had the perfect hair-sprayed hairstyle and sensible, age-appropriate blouse. I pictured her wearing functional comfortable shoes and matching durable handbag.  Everything in the handbag compartmentalised and categorised for easy access. It would have been likely that she was listening to traditional folk music and a decent decibel or even listening to the traffic report on the radio to ensure no delays en-route.

So sensible.

I imagined that she would never break the law by speeding or cutting someone off in the traffic. She was clearly completely in control and levelheaded. Everything about her screamed old-fashioned and dull.

Do these things make you wise or just plain prudent?

Now, I’m not knocking the wee old bat in the car, because she’s probably happy as a pig in shite with her sensible lifestyle and flawless hair.  All I knew was, I just don’t want to be like that when I’m an old fart.

I still want to be revving a V8 convertible and letting my hair blow in the wind. I want to be wearing bright coloured clothes and making a statement with my fashion. I aspire to be the daft old Bitch down the street that everyone knows and rolls their eyes at when she plays AC/DC at full volume on her car stereo. I still want to be cutting off the taxi Fuckers in the traffic, shouting FUCK YOU at them and giving them the middle finger.

I hope to be that grumpy old Fucker that farts at random and blames the dog. I aspire to be the cantankerous Granny who tells Telemarketers to Go Fuck Themselves and lives until she’s 96 just to piss off the grand kids.  Besides, by then I’ll be able to get the hard drugs on chronic medication and I can blame my belligerent behaviour on the meds.  A loudmouthed, stroppy, eccentric, crazy Bitch who just won’t die or take no for an answer.

Some say we will all become the wee old prissy granny behind the wheel. Och, some call it wise. Some call it conservative.

Fuck that shite.

I don’t want age to change me.

I aim to be the wee Scots Bad Ass Granny who drinks vodka straight from the fucking bottle and wears crotchless knickers.


J.Day said...

It took me about 5 minutes to recover from the title alone. My stomach hurts like hell how, thankyouverymuch. LOL Great post!

Wreckless Euroafrican said...

Love this one! Great write. Had me laughing out loud in the office - with all the conservatives looking down on me - Fuck them I say!
Me and you, a couple of V8's, AC/DC and the rest of the morbid world out there!

YeamieWaffles said...

I'm so glad that my rock and roll lifestyle is going to make sure I get nowhere near the age of being like this woman. I get why you're mad at her and I get mad at women like that, there's something so annoying about being that content with being boring, it just gets at me for some strange reason!

Indigo Roth said...

Hey Lass! Fear not, fair lady, I don't think there's any danger of you growing old gracefully; you have the cantankerousness down pat already! Roth x

Tracy Bermeo (A2Z Mommy) said...

I have mellowed with age but I don't want to be like her either when I grow old. Great post. Laughing my ass off with coffee in hand.

middle child said...

I am getting very close to what you hope to be.
But regarding your poat title......Holy Hell. What I would do to a 29 year old!!!!

Lulu said...

Excellent title, excellent post. I, too, aspire to be the funky old granny living it up. Just hope I can pull it off, and not seem sad and desperate, like some rebel-oldies I've seen. Lol.

Joshua said...

Sex with someone half your age? Something you want to share with the class?

JoeinVegas said...

Is that how you act now? If not, why wait to change?

Kim Ayres said...

Will the crotchless knickers be so you don't have to waste precious time when scrambling for the toilet with a weak bladder?

Matt Harvath said...

I agree. I am going to be a rebel in my old age (I am a rebel now, so why would I change). I imagine I will get kicked out of several old-folks homes because I will be rocking the porn movies in my room, drinking non-stop and trying to organize geriatric orgies!

Maybe we will end up in the same home and tear it up!

Alex J. Cavanaugh said...

I intend to drive the same way I do now, only I'm hoping rocket launchers for car hoods will be legal by that time.

A Daft Scots Lass said...

@JDay Glad I could make yer day.

@WE cool

@Waffles @Lulu you and me both

@Roth then its only a matter of time

@Tracy LOLing with coffee in hand is not a good thing.

@middlechild EVERYTHING!

@Josh nothing at all, Mr Geek

@Kim you read my mind

@Matt LMFAO @ the geriatric orgies

@Alex its the price of rocket fuel you've gotta worry about

Maurice Mitchell said...

Gillian, I hate when people drive the speed limit!

Blue Beak said...

This could be future you then, Chewin' the Fat.


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