Wednesday, 11 November 2009

Not in a Good Place Today

I'm not sure where that place is but its not a good place.

I feel like tearing my hair out, running far away and hiding under my duvet and not coming out at all today.  Speaking of hair, I found my first grey hair yesterday!!!  I was devastated...

Its one of those days where everything goes wrong!

You know those days, everything you touch turns to shit and everything you say doesn't matter, everything you try to say comes out wrong, no one hears you, no one is paying attention?

My youngest 3-year-old girl-child monster was on top form this morning. Yeah, she may look like an angel to you guys but she can be the most horrid creature when she wants to be. She is defiant, resistant, stubborn and she has a knack to just switch off and blatantly ignore me. I talk once, twice, three times and normally I just deal with it and discipline in the usual way.

Today she just riled me up to a vicious crescendo and then smacked me down. Very far down. She knows she’s doing it. I know it. Why do I still fall for it?

I only exploded once this morning and then the tears started and haven’t really come to an end. I flung my hands up in the air and thought “fuck it”.

Then my silence kicked it.

I blatantly ignored Kaylin all the way to school and dropped her off, kissed her and waved her a silent goodbye. I didn’t do it to hurt her or get back at her. I was just incredibly sad and frustrated.

During all of this drama, Megan (my 6 year old) was the sweetest little person. Making her bed, getting ready for school, helping to tidy up, telling me stories and trying to cheer me up. That made me feel very more sad.

It shouldn’t be a 6-year-old's responsibility to cheer her mum up! I told Megan how much I appreciate her for doing things without me asking. I told her how much I love the fact that I don’t have to nag her to do things. She wants to do them. I told her how much I appreciate that she is my constant reminder about things I have to remember. I also made it very clear to her that it was not her job to cheer me up and try and make up for her sister’s bad behaviour. Its not her fault!

I normally hide my sad tears from my children but today I couldn’t do that. I was past the covering up stage. I had crossed the line of swallowing the tears and sucking it up. The tears just rolled down my face and I couldn’t stop.  I'm still crying!

I’m not favouring one child over the other right now but it is so hard to like a child who is so unkind and ungrateful towards you. Especially when you do everything to avoid the conflicting situations.

Sometimes you just snap and wonder how can your two children be so completely different?

How can you use the same parenting techniques on both children and get it so right the first time and think: “Hey I’m actually doing a half decent job”. And then a second child comes along and she reacts totally different to the same method?

You think to yourself? Did I fuck up the recipe somewhere along the line? Did I leave out one crucial ingredient? Has my approach changed?

Why do I have to scream to be heard?

Can you not hear me?

Oh yes, thats it, igore me, I love it...

Perhaps I'll just invest in a megaphone to be heard?

Gosh, being a mum to a Spirited Child can be so frustrating and complicated.


KK said...

Tomorrow is another day. Praying its a better one for you!

Mick said...

Hey Sis you are a Scot....and are made of tough stuff! Yeah right! I live with your Sister and know that is not so true.

You are both very emotional people and don't like bad feeling, listen as I always say to Janie don't try so hard.

Kaylin does it for the attention, not to wind you up. It is just that she does, you must not compare one against the other they are two individuals and very different. The same as you and Janie were when you were children.

Try and talk more to KK and find what makes her tick, she will come through this the same as you and you will both be better people for the experience.

If you need a friend me and Janie are here for you.

Stay strong and remember however bad your situation there is always someone in a worse one!

Gillian said...

Now I feel guilty...

I know there are PLENTY people worse off than me. I know that I should be grateful my girls are happy and healthy. I know all that.

Trying to talk to KK is hard. She has the attention span of a pea and her communication and speech is really limited for her age.

That is my whole point!

I wish that I could just figure out what makes her tick then I'd be able to help her and understand her more. She's a little girl who battles to express herself....

Jeanette said...

HUGS!! I can tear my hair out with my boys too somedays. It's not easy.

Shayne said...

Gosh, i hear you loud and clear.

My littlest is almost 4, but geez she's driving me nuts right now. Openly defies me, doesn't listen, shouts back at me, says NO in the loudest and meanest voice. Hurts me time and time again.

And i'm a nice mom. I don't shout unless it's warrented, i do stuff with her, take time out with her and explain and listen to her.

so what am i doing wrong? what are you doing wrong? nothing i don't think. we obviously just have very strong willed, stubborn, hard-headed and opiniated kids. Is that a bad thing? For us now, yes it is. But later in life these little girlies of ours are surely going to kick some ass!!!

Chin up. Tomorrow will be better.

lettice said...

Hope you are feeling better ;)

cat said...

Oh girl, you know, each child is so different. I have the perfect opportunity to see this with two boys of the same age. Be kind on yourself, be good to yourself. And you know what kids are like - the moment you think you are one up on the game, they will find a way to show you you are not.

Gillian said...

Too shay, cat.


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